EVERYTHING I CAN NEVER TELL YOU

My first memories are of terror, fight or flight

No escape from the pictures in my mind

You burned those flames into that brain

Told me such was my eternal fate

If I was a naughty girl or I didn’t believe

Daddy I was scared to fall asleep

Jesus, he looked just like you

Brown beard, eyes so blue

Loved me so much he died you said

But the face of God was always dark instead

The book you pressed in my little hands

Was full of the evil of Jesus’ dad

In my dreams I drowned in the flood pounding on the ark

My Daddy sold me for an ox and cart

Then there was the time he handed me over to be raped

Put my brother on the altar and burned me at the stake

Because my God was a character of old

A product of a place where daughters were sold

My Jesus was one of the trending saviors

These figures flawed and typical I’d discover later

But as a child the fear of God was real

Love for him an emotion I fought to feel

I didn’t want to worship that monster Mama

But I tried to love him so hard because you said I just gotta

Said someday I would understand his tough love

Said dynamics are different after the sacrifice of his son

But Mama I hold a grudge

What kind of a god treats his children so badly

You’d never hurt me like that right Daddy?

But they saw sin in my soul somehow

Raised the rod of correction to drive it out

Handed me the Hell handed to them

Handed me the hammer that drove the nails in

And then I committed my gravest sin

I’m not sorry I couldn’t keep the faith of my father

But Daddy I’m no prodigal daughter

I wish I could tell you I ain’t ever coming back

The doctrine you drilled in was so far from fact

The lies of that religion caused me great pain

It made a mess of a malleable little brain

Mama I know it was all in the good faith

You carried unquestionably to your grave

I know I said I’d see you up there but I lied

I don’t want to skip down streets of gold at your side

Mama I watched you suffer all your life

An insult to be granted mercy in the afterlife

You deserve better than gold for your grace

And I know you’re there if there’s really a good place

I imagine you there, in autumn leaves and thin air

Watching me, loving me, no longer scared

Of the god you wanted us to love so much

Oh Mama how silly that was

I guess we do the best with what we know

And Daddy I just want to learn and grow

I wish I could tell you there’s peace outside of faith

And it’s not anger that pushed God from my plate

Though I’ll always harbor a certain hate

For that fictional character that once sealed my fate

I know you wish I could sit beside you at church

You just don’t understand why I’m so hurt

You’ve internalized that guilt and shame

Don’t get why I’m not OK with doing the same

But Daddy I didn’t crucify Christ

Or belong to some ancient Israelite tribe

You might believe in the grafted to the vine thing

But really you’re the son of Vikings

Your wish for me is faith father

I lie lightly like a dutiful daughter