The Scars of Indoctrination 

The lies we are fed about the sinful state of our souls shape our perspectives of ourselves and our world. They can force our nervous systems to go into an ongoing, heightened state of fear and stress which creates a trauma pattern we may struggle to find relief from even years later. THIS SHAME ISN'T YOURS TO BEAR. THIS FEAR IS A LIE. THIS SELF HATE IS TRAUMA.

I will never forget the first time that I heard my indoctrination framed as trauma. Absolutely everything just clicked. I had been diagnosed with anxiety but not with PTSD. I had imagined it was something I was born with. But my anxiety was handed to me by the fundamentalists. Suddenly I was afforded the opportunity to draw these clear lines. I HAVE RELIGIOUS TRAUMA SYNDROME.

With Religious Trauma Syndrome, the trauma is twofold. First the actual teachings and practices of a restrictive religion can be toxic and create life-long mental damage… Secondly, departing a religious fold adds enormous stress as an individual struggles with leaving what amounts to one world for another." MARLENE WINNELL

In my earliest days after leaving the faith I felt traumatized. I missed Jesus and I still had leftover fear. Doubting my doubts was driving me insane. Academic deconstruction helped. It stomped out the fires of Hell and silenced the voice of God.

But I still had a trauma. Academic deconstruction couldn't help me emotionally. For that I would need cognitive therapy. I would need to make those connections between my indoctrination and the distress I still experienced so often in my mind.

In making these connections we can recognize that our anxiety and low self worth are not intrinsic to our character. They were learned and they can be unlearned.

Deconstructing Christianity is hardly a challenge intellectually, in comparison to the challenge of letting go and healing.

Most fundamentalists are indoctrinated from childhood, where we grow up in these vacuums where critical thought and expressing emotion are sinful and guilt and fear tactics are pervasive. When our minds try to develop in this state we internalize guilt, fear, shame, anxiety and self hate. These feelings don't go away when you leave the church.

Fundamentalist Christianity teaches us to blame ourselves for what we should not be held accountable for (the alleged crucifixion of Christ, saving the souls of others). It teaches relentless perfectionism (you must be ready at any moment for the rapture) and self-doubt (you are supposed to turn to the Bible and spiritual leaders instead of trusting your own judgment). It teaches us to suppress our emotions (because anger and sorrow are not of God).

Children who grow up suppressing thought and emotion grow up to be adults who may struggle with emotional regulation or even cognitively.

To give children the guilt of a crucifixion, the terror of Hell, shame in their own skin, and distrust in the real world, bears the potential to inflict a deep and lasting trauma on the mind and heart.

Emotional Scars

In fundie families emotions themselves can be sins. Kids aren't given tangible tools to cope with anger, frustration or sadness. We're taught to pray bad feelings away.

But what if faith is what causes the bad feelings? And what if they persist beyond your discarding of the faith?

Psychologists who study religious trauma say religious training can damage our ability to feel free, open, and joyous; to express ourselves, to identify and process feelings like anger, sadness, and fear. But these are skills essential for human mental and emotional health.

We must learn to allow ourselves to feel our emotions, because emotions aren't bad. When we've been denied permission to connect with our anger, frustration, anxiety or grief because of the notion that doing so will put our salvation at risk, we don't learn to process negative feelings in healthy ways.

When this brand of fear-based love for God and parents has been normalized, deconstructing Christians may struggle to find, accept and embody healthy versions of love.

Often, corporal punishment methods which further confuse and victimize children are used. "He who spares the rod hates his children," wrote ancient men with no access to modern psychology. "Make it hurt," roared James Dobson on Focus on the Family, a radio show for conservative Christians. So evangelical parents do. And children grow up resentful and distrusting of their parents, confused about what love should feel like. They often struggle with authority and aggression.

Read more on our blog: Spare the Rod

Whether or not violence is a staple, parenting methods that deny children the space to develop under compassionate, informed guidance, instead indoctrinating them with the idea of this omniscient god in their head and original sin in their hearts, can lead to emotional problems that can persist long post-deconstruction: bottling up and self-shaming, self hate and anger.

Evangelicals don't often seek mental help for themselves or their children either. Mental illnesses are sometimes considered demonic oppression. As the narrative goes, if we're praying hard enough that won't happen to us. This teaches self-blame for feelings instead of providing validation and coping skills.

Some survivors of indoctrination never learn tools for coping with emotion we should all be taught as children. They run the risk of growing up with a habit of invalidating their own emotions- or the alternative- feeling angry and entitled to all the love and pride never permitted to feel.

Dr Jill Harvey, a therapeutic psychotherapist who specializes in working with second generation adults who have grown up in high demand religious groups also grew up in one. I attended her seminar on developmental religious trauma, during which she also discussed features in her own upbringing that also came out in her doctoral research.

Dr Harvey:

“Religious trauma results from an event, series of events, relationships or circumstances within or connected to religious beliefs, practices or structures that is experienced by an individual as overwhelming or disruptive and has lasting adverse effects on a person's physical, mental, social, emotional or spiritual well-being, but what about trauma that we experience on a chronic, prolonged basis in those growing up years when we're very malleable in many, many ways?”

She points out that fundamentalist kids often grow up constantly in a state of hyper alertness with adrenaline and cortisol. Current childhood trauma deforms the young personality, and these children develop a cult pseudo personal particularly in the growing up years.

Speaking to my own experience, I was constantly chewing on my nails about the Rapture, questioning my values and character because I couldn't speak in Tongues yet, and I helped to form a youth group that performed skits and sermons at all the churches in town. Saving souls was a demand. If I wasn't doing that, what was I living for? 

"The injurious effects of toxic stress on the body's release of damaging hormones in the growing up years is highlighted in literature. The constant activation of the autonomic nervous system, which disrupts many of the bodily systems during sensitive developmental periods is also highlighted," Dr Harvey pointed out.

But when you're a kid, a teenager, you don't see that you are being traumatized. You've got that religious tribalism attitude. You are superior. You are elite.
You are saved.

Cognitive Scars

Evangelist Charles Spurgeon (1834-1892) said "The preacher's work is to throw sinners down into utter helplessness that they may be compelled to look up to Him Who alone can help them."

We feel utterly helpless without God because we are thrown into that state. Our preachers and parents threw us there. We learned helplessness.

Our parents told us to pray and listen for God's voice but all we had up in there was ourselves and we were just kids.

Still even as we grew up and began to develop critical thinking skills, we were commanded to lean not on our own understanding. Our values and knowledge had to come from the Word of God. So we tried. We tried to make sense of it. We tried to align our values. We tried to trust our preachers and parents. We tried to trust God's voice in our minds.

Maybe we even tried to believe that all of the academic world was a conspiracy.

We do not leave fundamentalist communities for lack of trying. But all that trying takes its toll. Our minds begged and yearned for intellectual honesty.

Now that we're there, our scarred minds wonder if we're satisfied. We never felt satisfied in the church and we bring that imposter syndrome with us out into the world when we deconstruct.

Having your own mind was sinful. It was judged to be a lack of faith. It was condemned. And I have to say that it has only been in recent years, it's been a huge struggle for me to critically evaluate, to ask questions, because it was so forbidden in my growing up years. And as part of when I did my master's degree and more recently, my doctorate, learning to critically evaluate at quite a mature age, rather than being able to do that in my growing up years, it's been a huge battle."

Dr. Jill Harvey

Making decisions is harder when you can't just attribute a thought to God's voice and go with that one. The church teaches Jesus had said "My sheep know my voice" (John 10:27) and if you want to be a sheep bad enough people tell yourself you are hearing it. We comfort ourselves with it and punish ourselves by withholding its comfort when we felt sinful. Now the voice is silent. We don't know who to trust. Can we trust ourselves?

Even our values require reevaluation. In some cases we may have internalized stereotypes pushed by the church and this affects our thoughts about people or even behaviors toward them. They say not to judge but then they spend a lot of time doing it.

Then there is a tendency to demonstrate black and white thinking. When you grow up with these really clear dichotomies of good versus evil it offers this false sense of security. Personal interpretation and nuanced thought is discouraged. Even though your mind is wide open now it can still fall into those old thinking patterns.

Part of healing from trauma is learning to recognize this as a cognitive distortion that hinders personal development and creates conflict by promoting an all-or-nothing mentality.

Indoctrination can actually damage the development or proper functioning of the prefrontal regions of the brain in a way that hinders cognitive flexibility and openness. Indeed religiousness, and religious fundamentalism in particular, are associated with rigidity in the processing of information, low cognitive complexity, and a lack of openness to new experience.

We were not born with a closed mind; religion closed it. When we deconstruct that worldview, we open it up again. 

As grown children of indoctrination we can take comfort in breaking the cycle of neglect and abuse should we become entrusted with the sacred task of parenting ourselves.

We can throw it all away and wash our hands. Start from scratch. Lead with love. Validate feelings. Be a safe space. Instill self worth. Cultivate self love. Encourage critical thinking. Give failures grace. Be honest about the world. Children deserve so much better than what fundamentalist churches are serving up.

If you struggle with mental health since leaving the faith, you may have religious trauma. This term was coined by psychologist Marlene Winnell. Religious Trauma Syndrome is real, and as more ex-evangelicals seek help for trauma, trained psychologists are in high demand.

There's no shame in seeking help. You do not have to do this alone. 

Heal Further:

Thank you for deconstructing with me.