Long after we have discarded the hammer pressed into our hands by the church, excessive and inappropriate neurotic guilt can still be a reoccurring phenomenon. In recognizing it we can address habits of toxic self-shaming that bring about irrational feelings about our very character.

Many of us leaving fundamentalist faith have internalized the shame of patriarchy and misogyny prevalent in purity culture narrative.

Deconstruct Purity Culture 

Everything the fundies taught us about sex was a lie. Sexual desire is natural, and acting on it, as long as we aren't hurting anyone, is nobody's business. Enjoying our bodies and each other's bodies is healthy.

This idea that sex is something God has this vested interest in stems from purity culture- a bad idea invented by ignorant men long before today's fundamentalist Christians adopted it. Normalizing the patriarchal ideas of the ancients causes systemic oppression toward women, and marginalized groups who don't fit the fundie bill, making the church a hostile environment for some, oppressive for more.

From girlhood young women are taught to submit. Their sexuality is exploited. They're taught to dress modestly to avoid enticing a man to sin. Their virginity is romanticized and sexuality vilified.

One of the most obvious issues with fundamentalist framework is cultural context. In ancient Israel, a woman's virginity was a valuable asset tied to her family's honor and her worth in marriage. The exploitation of women perpetuated by this perspective wasn't ethical then either, but still, this isn't ancient Israel. Girls aren't traded for oxen and goats in 21st Century America.

But in fundamentalist churches pastors preach purity culture with a weird vigor about discussing what women do with their bodies.They read the Bible stories about prostitutes to mortified preteens.

Sexual purity obsession among the fundies went overboard in the 80's-90's- an indignant response to the free love era that preceded it. Any other survivors of the abstinence movement in which girls promised to save sex for marriage- True Love Waits?

If you grew up a girl under God, it's time to unlearn the idea that you're the "second sex" or inferior to men in any way. Your value as human is intrinsic. Women do not deserve less autonomy. That idea was created by men. So of course they wrote their god to condone it.

Ancient gender roles have no place in society. Some women might prefer trad-wife life but pushing the lifestyle on little girls places their sole value there.

Since just being female marginalizes individuals to this extent in the church, one can imagine the experience of LGBTQ+ individuals.

Evangelicals have a long history of persecuting the LGBTQ+ community: political opposition, stigmatizing rhetoric, the promotion of disgusting "conversion therapy". They're the morality police intent on enforcing religious ideas on secular people and they have created immense harm for generations of LGBTQ+ people.

In obsessing about certain verses that can be interpreted as condemnation of sexual intimacy between consenting individuals of the same sex, or that reaffirm one's conviction that gender cannot be fluid, evangelicals have put themselves in the position of Judge forgetting the verses that teach judgment is God's alone.

This puts individuals identifying as nonbinary while trying to live a Christian life in a difficult place. While some churches are gender affirming, others promote "praying the gay away".
 
Even if we've concluded on our own that God accepts us for who we are, the judgment in fundie communities can lead to doubts in that perspective, our salvation, and our belonging in the community.

If you grew up gay under God, it's time to unlearn the idea that a creator exists who rejects its creation. Ancient, uninformed ideas about gender belong back in the ignorant times in which they were written. 

Purity culture pushed by fundamentalists is toxic to men and boys too, manifesting in these rigid gender roles and the suppression of emotional vulnerability. Studies show these factors can lead to increased anxiety, shame, and poor mental health. Studies also show that evangelical indoctrination breeds homophobia.

Little boys grow up being told if they look at girls lustfully it's as bad as adultery which is a commandment. But they also read these Bible stories where God tells his soldiers to take for themselves the pretty girls they desire after killing the poor girl's fathers and brothers. These narratives are confusing and contradictory, shameful and shaming.

The concept of men as the head of the family in relationships too, has the potential to foster this prideful arrogance- or failure and guilt in the event they don't manage to conform to this version of husband. Hierarchical gender roles in marriage hinder the development of equal partnership and mutual respect. Men who have been taught to equate masculinity with dominance aren't good for their wives, or for society. Relearning the role of partner is essential to deconstruct from this toxic persona endorsed by evangelicals. 

If you grew up a guy under God, it's time to unlearn the idea that women should submit to you in marriage. Women are not an afterthought created from a man's rib. Their value is not determined by sexual purity. It's not incumbent on you to be the leader, demonstrate aggression or show violence. You are entitled to vulnerability and sensitivity.

The lies of purity culture can drastically impact your perceived relationship with God, and your real relationships with others and yourself. If you've fallen for the lies the fundies told you- about your body, sex, and autonomy, you're not alone. These outdated ideas are rooted in Scripture, and weaponized against everyone who graces an evangelical pew.

Common Lies

"My worth is tied to my sexual purity."

"Enjoying sex for pleasure is inherently wrong."

"Sexual desire is wrong and detectable by God."

"My body is dangerous because it can tempt others."

"My worth is tied to my role as a partner."

"My sexuality is sinful and condemned."

"The purity message is not about sex. Rather, it is about us: who we are, who we are expected to be, and who it is said we will become if we fail to meet those expectations. This is the language of shame."

LINDA KAY KLEIN

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