Fundamentalist families teach self-blame and it becomes a learned response. Minimal space is given to children to be children. What we needed was tools to help us regulate our emotions. Instead we internalize this idea that our thoughts and feelings deemed us wicked little sinners.

In fundie folds God's acceptance of us alone allows us to then accept ourselves. The relief provided when we've repented and feel confident of God's grace feels genuine, because the self-acceptance it affords is real. But God's grace is an arbitrary thing. We can never quite be sure if we're under it.

So we deny our own inner thoughts and deep feelings, humanity, individuality, personality. We hate every piece of us that doesn't meet God's impossible standards. We deny ourselves education and knowledge, love and affection, normal experiences we should be entitled to alongside our peers. We define ourselves instead by who the church tells us we're supposed to be, hate ourselves when we can't fit the mold.

You don't think you're a good person if you grow up being told you're a bad child with wicked, shameful thoughts, when you slide into a church pew as an adult to be glared down on with a similar message. No matter what good deeds you perform, the stench of eternal sin is upon you. "Your heart is deceitful and desperately wicked," Scripture hisses.

Instead of learning to be capable humans and trust our judgment, indoctrinated individuals internalize negative beliefs about self-ability and self-worth and relentless perfectionism.

Our brand of faith handed us a terrifying view of God. It pressed a hammer into our hands and tremendous guilt on our backs. Such extreme narratives aren't necessary to instill good values in our children. But fundamentalist parents fear for their souls and their children's souls so each generation pushes the narrative:

Original sin. Redemption through repentance. Salvation through faith.

But it is hard not to sin. Especially when even thoughts can be sins and God can read your mind. It is hard to have faith. Especially when critical thinking develops.

The human brain evolved to think critically. That capacity is what sets us apart. If you're like me, doubt was your most frequent sin. You hated yourself for it. It was a flaw so fatal it put your salvation at risk.

Then again, every sin, no matter how small, put your soul at risk. The Bible said all sins were equal. A little white lie was akin to murder. The magnitude of the sin didn't matter. Indeed as the narrative went, there would be murderers in Heaven who had repented. All that mattered was that you repented, and that God found it sincere. Of course you could never know just how sincere he found you to be. If you found yourself repenting for the same old sins over and over you might be anxious that he would find you insincere.

Bad habits, bad thoughts, bad choices, even bad feelings, all were just sins even if they didn't hurt anyone else. Sexual desire was a sin and wealth desire was a sin. Gossiping was a sin and cursing was a sin.

This extreme narrative was written and distributed by men in power and seeking power. As you deconstruct the origins of the narrative and motivations behind it, you'll be afforded the opportunity to let go of the fear of God, and the guilt for being a wicked, doubtful sinner who crucified Christ.

Indoctrination with Self Hate

Little children weren't off the hook either. If you know you know.

Each and every sin crucified Christ. Even if it was your only sin. Even if you were the only sinner. Kids are taught that this loving best friend Jesus, that lives in our heart, died this very horrible death BECAUSE WE SINNED. That's an enormous amount of guilt to just lay on a child. Every time an impulse gets the better of an evangelical kid and we tell a lie, steal a candy… we are haunted by this appalling vision of pounding the nails in.

Love is important. So many psychological studies have revealed that when we feel loved it benefits our mental health. Feeling good about who we are is important to cultivate a positive sense of self. It's essential for mental health. Children develop self esteem naturally in healthy environments. By contrast, authoritarian religious parents and churches pull apart our self worth, and we are left doubting ourselves and even hating ourselves.

Those who survive fundamentalist upbringing and make it into communities where we can discuss our trauma in safe spaces, often report struggling with pervasive perfectionism and neurotic guilt. Many still self blame and stew about perceived character flaws, allowing themselves to be taken advantage of in their efforts to avoid disappointing others. It's common for ex evangelicals to feel this need to fix and save others. The struggle with self esteem and self worth is real.

Giving ourselves grace when we were never permitted it in the church can be challenging. As much as those who defend the Scripture claim its message is one of grace, it's grace with a guilt trip of monumental proportions.

Healthy shame can serve a functional purpose. It is a guidepost to check your ego and understand when you have violated your own values. It is tied to self-reflection and can motivate positive change.

Neurotic guilt is not functional. It is a persistent, negative voice that keeps you stuck in a cycle of self-blame, anxiety, and worthlessness. It can come from unrealistic expectations or a history of being made to feel responsible for others' feelings. Or crucifying your best friend.

The narrative we have internalized is that God gave us free will and we chose to sin. We crucified Christ and there is blood on our hands.

We have internalized this idea that we are unlovable since childhood. As kids, we shouldn't have to feel as if we are hard to love. We shouldn't have to bear the guilt of Christ's death. That guilt combined with the fear of God fosters a toxic environment in the mind. But you can't say that out loud. You can't even think it.

"Jesus loves you," they insist. And sure, you feel it sometimes, the love. It feels like a burst of serotonin during worship. A drop of dopamine during devotion.

But those feelings only go so far and last so long. That's because your mind is also thinking. It's thinking about how your soul is stained with sin. About how even thoughts and feelings can be sins. About the horrific penalty for that sin.

If you're tired of the guilt, you can let it go. Drop the hammer. Drop the cross.